COPING WITH INFIDELITY

Sociological studies have found that all cultures have some limits on extramarital sex relations and some means of enforcing these taboos. One study found that 89% of societies incorporated some means of punishing people involved in extramarital relationships. Although perhaps a less scholarly source, Playboy Magazine once published a survey of their readership finding that an "overwhelming majority" was opposed to extramarital sex. In spite of this apparent universal disapproval, the frequency of infidelity is thought to be high. As you would expect, statistics on infidelity are difficult to evaluate, and approximate at best. The higher estimates suggest that two thirds of married men and half of married women are involved with others in a romantic relationship at some point in their marriages.

What is infidelity? Infidelity occurs whenever a person engages in a relationship with another that violates these implied or explicit characteristics. It can occur without sex. The first steps taken toward infidelity occur when a person 1) decides to seek fulfillment through someone else, and 2) makes a decision to do this secretly. In a sense, whatever a person decides to give to a new partner outside marriage is taken from his or her spouse: time, money, special experiences, confidences, or intimacies. A marriage partner might experience a similar sense of betrayal if their spouse becomes compulsively involved in drugs or alcohol, work, or various activities. In these cases, the element of secrecy is usually not as devastating, and there is not another person alienating the spouse from the marriage.

Infidelity is a pattern of behavior that seeks self-satisfaction at a cost to both spouses, and to their marriage. It strikes at the core defining characteristics of marriage, although these may be implicit:

• In marriage, two people determine to share themselves with each other in a way that is exclusive.
• They agree that the levels of trust and accountability expected of each other will be greater than those found in any of their other relationships.
• They share physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy not found in their other relationships.
• They agree that their relationship is permanent and unconditional.
• For Christians, marriage constitutes a commitment to God, to protect the unique relationship given to them.

There are some gender differences in how men and women become involved in, and cope with, infidelity. These are generalizations, not true in all instances. Women seem to be drawn into adulterous relationships initially through emotional attachments, while men are more likely attracted sexually. Interestingly, each gender tends to assume that the other is acting out of the same motivation as they would be likely to: Women assume that their husband has become emotionally attached to another woman, when his interest may be primarily physical. Men often error in thinking that their wife's relationship with another man is safe, if she shows no initial physical attraction to him. For both men and women, pursuit of a relationship outside their marriage often signals dissatisfaction with self as much as it does dissatisfaction with the marriage. In the recovery process, both husband and wife will need to understand how the extramarital relationship developed, and what each person's involvement might have been.

Infidelity is always destructive and often fatal to a marriage. However, it is possible to avoid allowing infidelity to bring a marriage to an end. God is just, and redemptive, and both of these characteristics are involved in the healing process. It begins with confession and acknowledgement of infidelity, without excuse or justification. It is quickly followed by attending to the pain of the betrayed spouse. Learning of betrayal generates great distress. Unlike the trauma of death of a spouse, the pain of betrayal initially appears to have no end, and is less likely to find compensation in memories of positive aspects of the marriage. Everything is called into question, even what previously seemed so good. It is as if the adulterous spouse has thrown dirt into the river of the marriage, contaminating the water behind them and before them. Although not welcomed and always pushed into the indefinite future, death is an expected trauma. Betrayal is not.

The Recovery Process

In order for a marriage to have any hope of survival when an extramarital relationship threatens it, the involved spouse must recognize that the relationship is wrong and be willing to end it. There is often a desire to minimize the pain of ending a romantic relationship by making a partial separation. This will not work, if the marriage is to be restored. The involved spouse must sever all contact with his or her partner to every extent possible. Sometimes some continued contact seems unavoidable (such as when a partner is a coworker or neighbor). Even these situations may require radical action. Some people have left jobs and moved to different communities to preserve their marriage. Even if the spouse is willing to sever contact, their romantic partner may not be. The betraying spouse needs to agree to provide immediate information to their wife or husband of any further contact, how it was handled, and the emotions evoked.

It is normal for a betrayed spouse to distrust their husband or wife following infidelity. Trust cannot be demanded or repeated questioning labeled as a lack of love or forgiveness. Like a plant that has been chopped off, it requires time to regrow. At the same time, it is unrealistic for the betrayed spouse to expect that affection will suddenly be returned to them. That too requires time. It is important that the rebuilding process be genuine, possibly providing a more solid foundation for the marriage than before the infidelity.

To recover from trauma, a victim has a tendency to go back to the traumatic experience, going over details repetitiously: "What did you do? Where? When? How often?" Unconsciously, the betrayed spouse may hope that by uncovering what he or she fears, it will lose its emotional force. This is partially true. While not a long-term solution, as the betrayed spouse repeatedly hears of the distressing events, they can begin to seem more manageable. The betrayed spouse must reach a point where they feel there are no more surprises or secrets. While the behavior cannot be changed, the secrecy can be dissolved.

Often, the betraying spouse wants to hurry the recovery process after admitting to infidelity. They must develop empathy for what their husband or wife is experiencing, a painful process which many would rather skip. They need to live with the pain of guilt until genuine healing can occur. In addition, the betraying spouse may learn something about themselves in the questioning process. They may begin to see their own motives, vulnerabilities, and selfishness. If both spouses can tolerate and control the emotions involved, they may come to a joint understanding of how the infidelity occurred, signaling the beginning of a more substantial level of recovery.

Trauma recovery requires support. Usually the guilty spouse is reluctant to allow others to know, but it is essential that the betrayed spouse have someone to talk to other than the person who has betrayed them. It is important to be selective about who they choose. While the trauma victim needs repetitious questions and answers to master the trauma response, they also need time to turn their focus away from the infidelity, to come up for air. They need to realize that there is more to their life than their marriage, even if there is potential for marital recovery.

Sometimes the betraying spouse senses that he or she has destroyed the relationship, and loses their will to invest energy in rebuilding the marriage. They may return to their extramarital partner, thinking that is all they have left. It is important for both spouses to dwell on sources of genuine hope: Relationships are not built or destroyed by single events, or even single chapters in their lives. God is involved in their marriage because it is his creation and he does not want it to be destroyed. God has brought good out of the worst forms of evil and catastrophe (the crucifixion of Christ). False conclusions must be countered with more accurate ones. "I can never trust again" and "I will never be truly forgiven" need not be true. Failure is an end result. If there is continued movement, there is no failure.

After dealing effectively with the immediate threat to the marriage that infidelity poses, and moving beyond the trauma of the event, focus can be placed on dealing with the reasons for vulnerability. One spouse may be prone to dwell on the past events, and the other may be discouraged about the future. In either case, it is necessary to realize that life is lived in the present. It is a time to evaluate the relationship, make changes, and move forward. What is true of marriage problems in general is especially true when dealing with infidelity: blame is a dead-end. It leads nowhere. As each spouse becomes involved in the change process, they can begin to evaluate their love by their efforts, rather than emotions. This gives hope at a time when often neither spouse feels they can ever feel the same about the other. An important part of the recovery process is to see the difference between mature love and immature love. Infidelity can be seen as a regression to the excitement and pleasure of "falling in love." This beginning phase of marriage is important, but not sufficient for the progression of marriage. Being in love is less demanding than committed love, the kind described by the Apostle Paul in I Corinthians 13.

Forgiveness is an obvious necessity if recovery from infidelity is to last. Forgiveness is a commitment rather than an emotion. It is not a one-time event. It is a repeated process, that requires the offended spouse to intentionally forgive the offender each time the memory of the infidelity occurs. We cannot intentionally forget, but we can intentionally forgive. It is important that infidelity not consume the marriage. Discussing it requires parameters, so that the couple can pursue and enjoy their relationship even in trying circumstances.

Sadly, there are situations in which forgiveness is desirable, but reconciliation is unlikely. Repetitious infidelity may result from deviant character development, such as a person who thrives on dishonesty and taking advantage of others. Some people derive a perverted satisfaction from having secret relationships, accumulating sexual conquests, or deceiving their spouse. Infidelity can also be a result of sexual addiction, a condition in which sexual gratification is sought compulsively. Unlike deviant character development, the sex addict generally feels remorse at some point, but feels helpless to stop the behavior. While the prognosis for treatment of sexual addiction is better than for narcissistic and antisocial personalities, these conditions must be treated individually if there is to be any hope that infidelity will cease.

Infidelity is every married person's worst nightmare. Betrayal may be the worst of human experiences. It is important to remember that Jesus experienced betrayal himself, and through it he made redemption available. Following his lead, it is possible to find redemption from infidelity as well.